I’m such a pussy and I really need to stop being one. Pathological fear has held me back artistically for years. The simple fear of looking crap, of what i see in my head not being what i see on the paper has had me focus almost entirely on the writing side of my novel. And although this has led to me finishing work and getting further along with my novel/novella writing it brought me to a stage where i’m still unable/too afraid to commit images to paper because i cant get them looking how i want them to look.
This problem is circular, as by not doing it and failing and learning i never reach a point of learning from my mistakes and improving. I mean it got to a point where i was actually prepared to commission artists to provide work for the book in terms of cover and internal illustrations, kimgiddeonloh being one of them.
Then i realised what i was doing and that putting my work in the hands of another artist would be an exercise in failure and frustration. Failure because I hadn’t done/couldn’t/wouldn’t do the work , frustration because though the work turned in would have been accomplished, professional and , in kimgiddeonloh's case, utterly fantastic, it still wouldn’t have been how i would have done it.
Simply put, i was afraid to fail.
I’ve gotta man up, man. Gotta stop being a fucking pussy and take my hits man.
So, one finished, edited, self published novel with four black and white illustrations and one cover all done by me by Monday 5th in January 2015.
Yeah, i think i can do that.
I can do that.
I will do that.
Gotta stop being a pussy sometime.